Dear Lorelei

New forum game, everyone! Ask Lorelei all the questions your heart desires. Here's one of mine:


Dear Lorelei,

Lately I've been having strange urges towards my luring goats. Is there something wrong with me and is it illegal? What should I do? Please help me.

Sincerely yours,
Laguna

Dear Laguna,

I have thought this through. I'm not sure if there is really something wrong or that it is illegal. But since you are concerned, there is really only one simple solution to your problem..... (gives you scissors) CUT IT OFF!

Problem solved! :-)

Dear Lorelei,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my girl has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My girl friend has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my blow up dolls so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my blow up dolls, that I noticed that the dolls appeared to have a rip in the plastic.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I just buy a new one? I hate wasting money.

Thanks,
President John Henry Eden

Dear John Henry,

So who we really talkin' about cheating here? The girlfriend, the wife or the blow up dolls?

I say, get rid of all and buy you a nice house plant for under $10. (Very affordable) You can coo it, nurture it, and it will live forever and be yours!

Dear Lorelei,

I have recently been having some problems with a jackass at school, and am wondering how to kill him and dispose of the body without the police finding out. Any tips?

Sincerely yours,
Mr. Billy_Bob_Joe_Bob_Steve, President of the New Republic of Wisconsin.

Dear Lorelei,

My girlfriend is a twenty-six-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for a years. In this relationship I pay for everything.It's getting expensive for me to pay for the pills and I think my girlfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know her well enough to discuss money with her. What should I do?

Sincerely Yours,
President John Henry Eden

Dear BBJBS,

Shoes are my weapons of choice. They are quite effective. Go buy you some!!!

And, I hear that cement works wonders!!!

Dear John Henry,

Abstinence is FREE! :-)


Or...... get rid of the girl, and buy another house plant. :-P

Dear Lorelei,

I've suspected that my girlfriend has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, she denied everything and said it would never happen again. Should I leave her or wait till she is confronted with more evidence?

Sincerely Yours,
President John Henry Eden

Dear John Henry,

Hmmmmmmmmm and I quote you, 'and [she]said it would never happen again.'

What more evidence you need? ha ha ha ha Ferns are pretty this time of year. :-)

Dear Lorelei,

I am seeing this girl Katy for five months and I didn't know she drank until one night she came home sober. What should I do?

Sincerely Yours,
President John Henry Eden

LOL

Dear Lorelei,

I've been having difficulties aiming at the bucket and marking my goat herd ever since I cut it off. Suggestions?

Sincerely,
Laguna

Dear John Henry,

Buy her a beer. There....back to normal. :-) or buy another danged house plant. :S

Dear Laguna,

The goat obsession has to GO! Here is a shoe, a much better obsession. :-) But pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaase dun mark em! The thoughts of a ruined shoe, just gives me heart palpitations!

Dear Lorelei,
Laguna's goat drank all my beer. What do I do now?
Sincerely,
MacLean

Dear Lorelei,
You are too f**king obsessed with shoes. Will you please stop answering everything with shoes?

Dear Lorelei,
i'm kind of short 5'5" and all the girls i like are two or three inches taller than i am. plus they wear very high heels that my friends call "hooker" shoes. I've got some old platform shoes and bell bottom pants from the seventies. do you think that will get me noticed? or should i cave and get some 6' heeled 'hooker' shoes to get a little closer to her height. course, i could just bury my head in her.......

Dear Maclean,

Cry?

Dear BBJBS,

No

Dear Parsifal,

Deep down....you know you want the 6' heeled stilletos. Go for it! lol Shoes are ALWAYS the way to go. :-)

Oh, Lorelei, thank you. You've changed my life. I've been set free. BTW, aren't you really Lady GaGa?

Dear Lorelei.

My houseplant has caught Dutch Elm disease. Do you think it could have got it from this game?

Crafty

Dear Crafty,

It's okay. Your um 'problem' will be kept confidential. We both know you aren't really talking about your houseplant here. It's more of a personal nature, seeing the disease causes wilting and discoloration, and is caused by an infecting fungus. I think it is very possible this could be game related and I think it is linked to Laguna's goats. :S Those danged goats...They are wreaking havoc on Sim Country and its players!!! First they drink the beer, now they infecting people....They got to go!

In the meantime, Crafty, take 2 aspirins and check back with me in the morning.

Dear Lorelei,
Thank you for your response. But my problem is now compounded; I have no beer to cry into. Laguna's goats drank it, remember? However, I have recently developed a taste for barbecued goat...