ALL IN PUN

i like jokes. give me what you got. i'll start the show with a simple one. a guy walks up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in days. so i bite him.

A horse walks into a bar, bartender say, why the long face?

A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double innuendo.

So the bartender gives her one.

The bartender said "We don't serve your type in here."

A time traveller walked into a bar.

so anyway, Mickey Mouse was talking to his lawyer and the lawyer was explaining how he couldn't get a divorce from Minnie Mouse just because he thought she was crazy. the state of California just won't allow it the lawyer says. Listen Here, says Mickey Mouse to the lawyer. I didn't say she was crazy, i said she was F--king Goofy.

glad to see you kickn around pr

An ion walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I think I lost an electron". The bartender asks, "Are you sure?" And the ion says, "I'm positive".

A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and orders a pint of beer, an orange juice for the ostrich and a glass of milk for the cat.

The ostrich smiles but the cat looks at him hard and says "Don't think I'm paying for these drinks, because I'm not." The guy says, "Don't worry about it, I'm paying."

They sit down in silence and drink. Then the guy walks up to the bar again and orders another pint, another orange juice and another glass of milk. The ostrich looks grateful but the cat stands up and shouts across to him, "I'm not paying for this round either." Wearily, the guy replies, "It's ok, this one's on me."

They sit in silence again and drink their drinks. Then the guy gets up again, goes to the bar and orders another round.

"Don't expect me to pay," shouts the cat. The guy just waves at him and pulls out his wallet.

"I don't mean to pry," says the bartender, "But what's with the ostrich and the cat?"

The guy looks at him. "It's like this," he says. "I was browsing at my local antique fair a couple of weeks ago and I saw this old-fashioned lamp. It was a bit dirty, but I liked the look of it, and it was cheap, so I bought it. When I got it home, I decided to clean it up a bit and, while I was rubbing it, this genie appeared and told me I could have one wish. I thought long and hard and then it came to me.

I asked him for a big bird with a tight pussy."

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar, and the bar tender says "why the long face?"

LOL

Lol

A priest a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar, the bartender asks "What is this? Some sort of joke?"

A man walked into a bar and said "Ouch!"

Why is your brain the size of a pea?

Because its swollen!

I'm having a hard time thinking of any politically correct, clean, or jokes that aren't just wrong. So, what did the fish say when it swam into the wall.....Damn.

Q: Why are all the numbers scared of 7?

A: Because 7, 8, 9.

Q: Why aren't maths [with an 's'!!!] jokes funny in octal?

A: Because 7, 10, 11.

Two snowmen in a garden,
one says to the other..."can you smell carrots?"

what did the elephant say to the naked man? "Its cute, but can it pickup peanuts?"

LOL to all the above.
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

#2: One cannibal said to another, "I really don't like my mother-in-law!" The other cannibal said, "That's ok, just eat the noodles".

A farmer once had a horse that he rode to town on occasion. One day, he noticed that some birds were building nests in the horse's mane. He raked them out, but the next day they were there again. This time the birds wouldn't let him get close. The man was getting fed up with this; he couldn't ride the horse for all the commotion and pecking going on. Finally, he called up the vet, who showed up at his place the next morning with a packet of something in his hand. "Now where is this horse?" he asked. The farmer showed him, and the vet opened the package and began sprinkling the horse's mane with the powder it contained. Immediately, the birds flew off, and the vet removed the nests. "How did you do that?" asked the farmer. "Easy," said the vet. "This here powder is yeast."
"So what? How can that work?" asked the farmer. The vet snorted and said, " Well everyone knows that yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet!"

two buddies out fishing and one turns to the other and asks if he has a light for his cigarette. the other replies, sure, it's in the tackle box. after getting the lighter from the tackle box he can't help but comment on how hugh it was. where did you get that, he asks. a jennie gave it to me, he says. reach in the box a pull out that lamp. go ahead and give it a rub, make a wish. he's a little hard of hearing so you'll have to speak up. the man pulls the lamp from the tackle box and gives it a rub. sure enough, an old wrinkled up jennie appears. what do you want, the jennie says in an angry tone. well , my buddie here said you'd grant me a wish. the jennie says fine, what do you want. i want a million bucks the man replies. granted, says the jennie and returns to lamp. shortly after, the skies turn dark and a million ducks start falling from the sky. what the hell says the man. his buddy laughs and says, hey, i said you had to speak up. after all, you don't think i wished for a 12 inch bic do you.

rofl. A man walks up to the meat counter and tells the butcher, "I would like a pound of kiddleys."
"What?" asked the butcher.
"I want a pound of kiddleys!" the man shouted, waving his arms.
The butcher thought for a while, then brightened up. "OH!" he said "Kidneys! you want a pound of kidneys!"
And the man replied, "Well, I said kiddleys, diddle I?"

definition of stress: that sudden desire to choke the living shit out of someone who desperately deserves it.

A red-neck walks into a southern bar with an alligator under his arm and says to the barman "Do you serve them afro-Caribbean types in here?"

"Yes sir, we sure do" replies the barman.

"Great" says the red-neck "I'll have a beer"

"Don't you want something for your 'gator?" asked the barman.

"Nope" replies the red-neck "He's just happy to be in such a racially tolerant bar"

Lol, nice jokers here.