S
Scarlet (Little Upsilon)
23 Nov 2010 05:44
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I'm going to be old enough to drink in a few days. I'm wondering: why does maturity feel like dying? I don't know exactly why, but when I think about this, I remembered something from way back in eighth grade... one of my classmates thought to tell me, "You know, I think you've got to be the most average, ordinary person I've ever met. When I think about a normal guy, I think you're it."
At the time, I thought that was a damn funny thing for him to say considering that I was the most singularly anti-social kid in that class and I didn't think anyone particularly liked me real well. I didn't have more than 2 friends, and the most common experience of those years I remember is chasing down and kicking everyone that called me names... which happened almost daily. I didn't know what possessed him to ever say that: we weren't friends at all and he was one of the worse ones that I had to chase down daily. To top it off, I was smarter and easily got better grades than everyone in that class, even the kids that were pushed to study real hard. I was more athletic and could literally outrun everyone in that class, even the kids that were pushed to train themselves. Basically, I stuck out like a sore thumb with not the faintest reason to feel like a normal, average, ordinary person. I guess that's why the statement stands out.
Then I think about the year after that, when I moved onto high school. A little later, when I was 15. I was the only freshman with a varsity jacket. I easily had a 4.0. I had anyone that thought to bully me intimidated (I'll never know what it is that invited them to push me around: only that it didn't survive their attempts)... the funniest thing about that is that I was, apparently, the only person that knew I would've got my ass kicked if it came to blows. I remember all I thought about was to getting a job when I turned 16... and going to college when I graduated. Then when I was 16, I never got a job. I can't even remember why I didn't... only I know that I'm avoiding getting a job now and back then it seemed like the most important thing ever. That bothers me. I want to say that it was to focus on school, but that's not true at all. I stopped studying and stopped bothering to show up to class... heck, I missed more days than anyone at that school. I quit sports. I started drinking and smoking. In short, I stopped caring. Ever since then, I stopped wanting to be anything. I'm in college now, but I don't even want to be here... I just want it to be over. But I'm much more sociable and likable than before. I'm polite and respectable to my parents. I have more friends and acquaintances now than before. I'm pretty sure that statistics would prove that I'm more ordinary and average than ever... and now, I don't think my classmate meant ordinary and average when he said it.
I guess I'm realizing that I had something back then that I've since lost, and right now, I want it back more than anything in the world. I'm frightened of the future and unhappy with the present... and that's not how I used to be at all. I was never frightened about anything and I wasn't unhappy... angry at times, but not unhappy. I don't care enough to be angry anymore. For some reason, my parents think I'm doing better right now. They comment that I'm much more responsible, practical, and sociable. On the surface, I guess it's not as bad anymore. The people I talk to find me more likable and friendly than anyone did years ago. They aren't a bad crowd; I fell in with mostly good, clean Christians. I've earned the exact comment from people I've known for a while that "He's one of the most selfless and respectable people I know." Nowadays, it seems that the only person that dislikes me is myself.
Why am I saying this? Eh, I need an ear (well, no, I have plenty of patient ears that would probably be genuinely interested in hearing what I have to say... and wouldn't understand a word of it): I need more than an ear and I need to wait until tomorrow to get it so an ear is nice for now. I blame Parsifal for reminding me: my politics remain fit of defiance from the person I was at 15. My actions don't fit my words... and one has got to give. I feel obligated to give up my politics, but at the same time, I'd rather go back to being isolated from everyone else. I've had this feeling before, but I know it's nonsense... how could anyone like being isolated? But I think I liked it better than this.
At the time, I thought that was a damn funny thing for him to say considering that I was the most singularly anti-social kid in that class and I didn't think anyone particularly liked me real well. I didn't have more than 2 friends, and the most common experience of those years I remember is chasing down and kicking everyone that called me names... which happened almost daily. I didn't know what possessed him to ever say that: we weren't friends at all and he was one of the worse ones that I had to chase down daily. To top it off, I was smarter and easily got better grades than everyone in that class, even the kids that were pushed to study real hard. I was more athletic and could literally outrun everyone in that class, even the kids that were pushed to train themselves. Basically, I stuck out like a sore thumb with not the faintest reason to feel like a normal, average, ordinary person. I guess that's why the statement stands out.
Then I think about the year after that, when I moved onto high school. A little later, when I was 15. I was the only freshman with a varsity jacket. I easily had a 4.0. I had anyone that thought to bully me intimidated (I'll never know what it is that invited them to push me around: only that it didn't survive their attempts)... the funniest thing about that is that I was, apparently, the only person that knew I would've got my ass kicked if it came to blows. I remember all I thought about was to getting a job when I turned 16... and going to college when I graduated. Then when I was 16, I never got a job. I can't even remember why I didn't... only I know that I'm avoiding getting a job now and back then it seemed like the most important thing ever. That bothers me. I want to say that it was to focus on school, but that's not true at all. I stopped studying and stopped bothering to show up to class... heck, I missed more days than anyone at that school. I quit sports. I started drinking and smoking. In short, I stopped caring. Ever since then, I stopped wanting to be anything. I'm in college now, but I don't even want to be here... I just want it to be over. But I'm much more sociable and likable than before. I'm polite and respectable to my parents. I have more friends and acquaintances now than before. I'm pretty sure that statistics would prove that I'm more ordinary and average than ever... and now, I don't think my classmate meant ordinary and average when he said it.
I guess I'm realizing that I had something back then that I've since lost, and right now, I want it back more than anything in the world. I'm frightened of the future and unhappy with the present... and that's not how I used to be at all. I was never frightened about anything and I wasn't unhappy... angry at times, but not unhappy. I don't care enough to be angry anymore. For some reason, my parents think I'm doing better right now. They comment that I'm much more responsible, practical, and sociable. On the surface, I guess it's not as bad anymore. The people I talk to find me more likable and friendly than anyone did years ago. They aren't a bad crowd; I fell in with mostly good, clean Christians. I've earned the exact comment from people I've known for a while that "He's one of the most selfless and respectable people I know." Nowadays, it seems that the only person that dislikes me is myself.
Why am I saying this? Eh, I need an ear (well, no, I have plenty of patient ears that would probably be genuinely interested in hearing what I have to say... and wouldn't understand a word of it): I need more than an ear and I need to wait until tomorrow to get it so an ear is nice for now. I blame Parsifal for reminding me: my politics remain fit of defiance from the person I was at 15. My actions don't fit my words... and one has got to give. I feel obligated to give up my politics, but at the same time, I'd rather go back to being isolated from everyone else. I've had this feeling before, but I know it's nonsense... how could anyone like being isolated? But I think I liked it better than this.