WE INTERRUPT THIS FORUM FOR A PRESIDENTIAL NEWS CONFERENCE
KARL ROVE: Please rise for the President.
PRESIDENT NEIDY: During my recent fishing excursion with President Jeff, I authorized military assistance for the Three Musketeers Federation nation GDI. Fully confident in our military readiness, I continued my fishing expedition and ordered no interruptions. When my yacht returned to to the nation of "Vieques", it occurred to me that something might be wrong. I immediately checked my voicemails and found out that the Three Muskies Lacerta wing had been decimated by President Serpent. An immediate investigation into this matter has been launched.
REPORTER: Madam President, I'm Sally Kruger of the Des Plaines Gazette. You say that you felt something was wrong and you decided to check your messages. What prompted your concern?
PRESIDENT NEIDY: Well, the air strike against our yacht by forces from the nation of "Pain" definitely had something to do with it. Oh, and also as we neared port city of Lincoln it became very apparent that the city was burning.
REPORTER: Hello. I'm Harry Callaher of the North Lake Post. It seems totally irresponsible to me that you would authorize war and not check your messages. What other important messages did you overlook?
PRESIDENT NEIDY:Sigh... Well, Mrs. Jeff left a very nasty voice mail.
REPORTER: I'm Andrew Hunter of the United Federation Press, President KissofDeath has accused a businessman named Maestro of spying on behalf of the Three Musketeers. Do you know anything about it?
PRESIDENT NEIDY: Hmmm... Maestro in spanish means teacher. In spanish, the word professor is almost spelled the same as in English.
REPORTER: (confused) uh, yes Madam President. That doesn't quite address my ques...
KARL ROVE: Move on. Next question!
REPORTER: Susie Wasserman,formerly of the Vista Buena Noticiero but now I work for the Solomons Daily Sun.
PRESIDENT NEIDY: Oh. Did your newspaper in Vista Buena go out of business?
REPORTER: (testily) No, Madam President. Vista Buena was conquered by President Serpent. I was a refugee and managed to get to The Solomons on the last attack destroyer left.
PRESIDENT NEIDY: (sheepish) heh heh... I guess I should finish the rest of those voicemails.
REPORTER: President KissofDeath has returned to Fearless Blue and has grown extremely powerful. The empire is now severely weakened, President Serpent has conquered another nation near Lakeview. In our weakened state, can the empire survive another war?
PRESIDENT NEIDY: War with President Death? That is absurd. Why, I hold in my hand a lovely early Valentines Day card from President Death which represents peace in our time. Here, look.
REPORTER: Forgive me Madam President. This card shows a caricature of Cupid shooting two arrows through your eyes!
PRESIDENT NEIDY: Well, that's just like the press. You reporters are so negative. You totally overlook the lovely imprint of a kiss that President Death left below her signature in red lipstick.
REPORTER: That's not lipstick Madam President. That's blood.
PRESIDENT NEIDY: Wha...! Give me back that card!
(air raid sirens in background)
Karl Rove: That concludes the press conference. President Neidy needs to meet with her property insurance agent....