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Tuesday, November 23, 2010 - 05:44 am  I'm going to be old enough to drink in a few days. I'm wondering: why does maturity feel like dying? I don't know exactly why, but when I think about this, I remembered something from way back in eighth grade... one of my classmates thought to tell me, "You know, I think you've got to be the most average, ordinary person I've ever met. When I think about a normal guy, I think you're it." At the time, I thought that was a damn funny thing for him to say considering that I was the most singularly anti-social kid in that class and I didn't think anyone particularly liked me real well. I didn't have more than 2 friends, and the most common experience of those years I remember is chasing down and kicking everyone that called me names... which happened almost daily. I didn't know what possessed him to ever say that: we weren't friends at all and he was one of the worse ones that I had to chase down daily. To top it off, I was smarter and easily got better grades than everyone in that class, even the kids that were pushed to study real hard. I was more athletic and could literally outrun everyone in that class, even the kids that were pushed to train themselves. Basically, I stuck out like a sore thumb with not the faintest reason to feel like a normal, average, ordinary person. I guess that's why the statement stands out. Then I think about the year after that, when I moved onto high school. A little later, when I was 15. I was the only freshman with a varsity jacket. I easily had a 4.0. I had anyone that thought to bully me intimidated (I'll never know what it is that invited them to push me around: only that it didn't survive their attempts)... the funniest thing about that is that I was, apparently, the only person that knew I would've got my ass kicked if it came to blows. I remember all I thought about was to getting a job when I turned 16... and going to college when I graduated. Then when I was 16, I never got a job. I can't even remember why I didn't... only I know that I'm avoiding getting a job now and back then it seemed like the most important thing ever. That bothers me. I want to say that it was to focus on school, but that's not true at all. I stopped studying and stopped bothering to show up to class... heck, I missed more days than anyone at that school. I quit sports. I started drinking and smoking. In short, I stopped caring. Ever since then, I stopped wanting to be anything. I'm in college now, but I don't even want to be here... I just want it to be over. But I'm much more sociable and likable than before. I'm polite and respectable to my parents. I have more friends and acquaintances now than before. I'm pretty sure that statistics would prove that I'm more ordinary and average than ever... and now, I don't think my classmate meant ordinary and average when he said it. I guess I'm realizing that I had something back then that I've since lost, and right now, I want it back more than anything in the world. I'm frightened of the future and unhappy with the present... and that's not how I used to be at all. I was never frightened about anything and I wasn't unhappy... angry at times, but not unhappy. I don't care enough to be angry anymore. For some reason, my parents think I'm doing better right now. They comment that I'm much more responsible, practical, and sociable. On the surface, I guess it's not as bad anymore. The people I talk to find me more likable and friendly than anyone did years ago. They aren't a bad crowd; I fell in with mostly good, clean Christians. I've earned the exact comment from people I've known for a while that "He's one of the most selfless and respectable people I know." Nowadays, it seems that the only person that dislikes me is myself. Why am I saying this? Eh, I need an ear (well, no, I have plenty of patient ears that would probably be genuinely interested in hearing what I have to say... and wouldn't understand a word of it): I need more than an ear and I need to wait until tomorrow to get it so an ear is nice for now. I blame Parsifal for reminding me: my politics remain fit of defiance from the person I was at 15. My actions don't fit my words... and one has got to give. I feel obligated to give up my politics, but at the same time, I'd rather go back to being isolated from everyone else. I've had this feeling before, but I know it's nonsense... how could anyone like being isolated? But I think I liked it better than this.
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| Tuesday, November 23, 2010 - 06:51 am "Way back" lol 5 years? "WAY" back? (I'm already commenting and I haven't even read it yet!) It's amazing how people base their perception of time on how long they've existed. 5 years is 1/4 or 25% of your entire life so far. FYI expect full physical maturity around 30 years. (going to finish reading now...) College: You're doing what you don't want to now so that you can do what you do want to do later. What you're feeling: Emotions lie. Weigh them against the facts you know to be true and deliberately deny emotions you know aren't based on truth. This year you have a different mind than you had 5 years ago. In 10 years you will have a different mind than you do now. The reality is, no matter how old we get we would never trade our aged minds for our youthful bodies back. To be 20 again would rock and I'm not 'old' but I wouldn't trade my 40 year old mind for it, to go back to who I was when I was 20, the way I thought. It's not worth it. I guess that's why they say "youth is wasted on the young". It's all just perception, old people are just young people who's bodies are falling apart. (Oh and they don't do stupid shit any more because they've experienced the consequences) Fasten your seatbelt though things only speed up from here, blink you'll be 30 mark my words it's true.
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| Tuesday, November 23, 2010 - 03:19 pm Well said Solomon, my 51 year old mind agrees. "Old people are just young people who's bodies are falling apart". lol
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| Tuesday, November 23, 2010 - 06:16 pm one of my favorite platitudes is "it's not about the destination, it's about the journey." I believe that and have tried to live my life accordingly. I'm concerned that you're feeling ambivalent about your life. I hope that you find your way. A few suggestions: as you probably have gleaned, much of my journey has been aided by my spiritual life. Not all churches can help set us on the right path, but if you look around there may be some help there. Another aid is to look outward while you're looking inward. you obviously are intelligent and have athletic ability. As a young man, do something to help other young men. There are millions of boys out there who don't have a positive male role model. It really pisses me off that men don't step up and help other younger men and boys. Find a school that needs tutors or mentors and help there or be a ooach for a team or other areas of service with kids. You may not think you'll be helping that much but believe me, you will be. And the experience can benefit you more than the kid. this is probably not the appropriate venue for further discussion, so if you want to email me you can do so at franklinolson@sbcglobal.net .
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| Tuesday, November 23, 2010 - 06:36 pm Don't be shy to say "We need Jesus". Don't pussy foot around! A 'spiritual life' is so many different things that it may actually be harmful. Church... pfft. Religion... pfft. The church is not the authority and never was. Though some would like you to believe that they are. Religions: Since none of them agree with each other then the vast majority are lies and deception. It's not found in a 'religion' or a 'church' it's found in a man. A man who is God manifest in the flesh.
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| Tuesday, November 23, 2010 - 06:43 pm i agree with you but i've found that if i get too "Christian" it turns people off because they have been abused by the church or they don't get past the first grade in their faith journey and when they realize that God isn't Santa Claus they turn off their mind to Him. so, thanks for saying it like it is.
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| Tuesday, November 23, 2010 - 07:05 pm Listen to what Tyrone has to say... or Micky Robinson
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| Wednesday, November 24, 2010 - 12:56 am /me sends Spambots to Parsifal
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